


A Simple Guide to Exploiting Customer Service Schemes

by htruona (circhester)



Series: Apparently Humorous LU One-Shots [8]
Category: Linked Universe - Fandom, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: (that's a TAG?!?!??!), ...Technically., Crack, Gen, Humour, IKEA Furniture, Linked Universe (Legend of Zelda), Modern AU, Theft, leg downloads a shelf asmr, that's it nobody else is there, thats it thats the fic, wind and sky are mentioned one (1) time each but that doesn't count
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:35:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,401
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24792478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/circhester/pseuds/htruona
Summary: “Hello, this is IKEA customer service, how may I help you?”Legend looked over the online instruction documents once again—a final check—before turning his attention to the phone at his ear. “Hi, yes, I’m calling about a fewmissing parts...”—(Legend is in need of a new shelving unit—however, he lacks the funds to buy one for himself. It's a good thing that IKEA's customer service is always happy to provide missing parts when requiredand, technically, when you don't own an item of furniture,allthe pieces are "missing", right...?)
Relationships: Legend & Warriors (Linked Universe)
Series: Apparently Humorous LU One-Shots [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1676488
Comments: 29
Kudos: 208





	A Simple Guide to Exploiting Customer Service Schemes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bubbly_Kandy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubbly_Kandy/gifts).



> Please do not try this at home. You need to provide an order number and proof of purchase in your missing parts form. Do not, and I repeat, try this at home because _stealing is not a morally correct thing to do, I am begging you guys I only wrote it in here for HUMOROUS PURPOSES—_
> 
> Based off of [this tweet](https://twitter.com/jasonarewhy/status/950517242088783872), posted as a vague idea by my wonderful friend [Hinn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bubbly_Kandy/pseuds/Bubbly_Kandy)!  
> (This fic was not asked for—least of all as a birthday gift. I am, however, gifting this anyway. Happy birthday, Hinn! :D)

_“Hello, this is IKEA customer service, how may I help you?”_

Legend looked over the online instruction documents once again—a final check—before turning his attention to the phone at his ear. “Hi, yes, I’m calling about a few _missing parts_...”

(In truth, Legend had not even _bought_ the shelving unit he was calling to obtain the parts for. He also did not _intend_ to buy any of those parts; anything, and everything, he received for its construction would be obtained solely through various calls and emails requesting replacement for ‘missing’ parts.)

(He grinned. This was going to be _fun_. And also questionably legal, he supposed, but since when did he care about that…?)

* * *

The doorbell rang two days later. 

Legend sprung out of his chair instantly, making his way through the apartment and to the front door—

“—A missing part…?” Warriors was asking, frowning at the parcel being handed to him, but nonetheless signing for it and accepting it as the deliverer handed it to him. “I don’t remember asking for this, or... even buying any IKEA furniture that we would be missing parts from—”

“It’s for me!” Legend interjected, swiping the parcel from Warriors’ hands and nodding at the deliverer. “Thanks.”

The deliverer nodded back, walked away, and Legend shut the door only to see Warriors’ strange look at him.

“We’ve not been to IKEA in _months_ ,” Warriors said simply. “What the hell is this for…?”

Legend shrugged, giving no answer as he walked back to his room.

* * *

Legend frowned, going between the online instructions for the shelving unit he wanted (easily accessible on their website) and the several parts for the beginning section of the DIY process that he had obtained. _Only get a few at a time_ , he reasoned, _so as to not garner suspicion_.

But first—the safety instructions. Not because those were important, but rather because if he didn’t read them Sky would definitely appear in his dreams and lecture him for it—

He shuddered. He did _not_ need Sky lecturing him, thank you very much.

First safety rule: a picture of a cartoon man saying… don’t use a screwdriver, use a drill? Wait no—that cross was showing the type of screwdriver to use. Or so he thought, anyway. Okay. Check, he supposed.

Second safety rule: a crossed-out picture of a man, with a sad face, whose shelf was broken, next to a happy man whose shelf was unbroken. Was that—don’t break the _shelf_ —? No, there was a rug in the second picture, so the rule was _build on a rug_.

Legend did not own a rug. So he ignored that rule and moved onto the next.

Third safety rule: have two people there to build it. Legend was not about to ask _Warriors_ , his only roommate, of all people, to help build a shelf—so he would have to ignore that one as well.

Fourth safety rule: phone IKEA if you have questions. Legend was going to politely ignore that one too, because _he could do this his damn self, thank you very much_ —

Fifth, and final, safety rule: a picture of a man standing on the shelf, and the shelf falling over. _Don’t stand on the shelf_. That one was just common sense, wasn’t it…?

...Two out of five rules followed. That sounded good enough to him.

Now, to actually _build_ the thing. He scrolled down, looking at the actual instructions and seeing the first step instruct him to put the metal-doofer onto the wooden-doofer…

* * *

_RE: Missing Parts—replacements required_

Legend raised an eyebrow at the email notification from IKEA’s customer service, quickly going to open it up.

_...We are sorry for the inconvenience, and will have the missing parts sent out to you by Thursday…_

He grinned. _Success_.

* * *

“So, the screw has to go in _here_ …” Legend muttered to himself, “and then we attach this on… like… that—”

—The door slammed open—

—Legend jumped a _foot_ in the air, and on instinct threw the nearest blanket over the half-built shelf because _he didn’t need Warriors finding out he was stealing a shelf_ —

“—What are you _doing_ …?” Warriors asked, making _no_ effort to hide his suspicion at the hastily covered half-built shelf.

Legend said nothing for a solid ten seconds as he stared at Warriors’ _stupid_ face and tried to come up with an answer.

“I, um,” he began, pointedly looking at the covered shelving unit, “it’s a present. For your brother’s birthday.”

Warriors blinked. “For Wind’s birthday,” he repeated.

“Yep.”

“In four months.”

Legend nodded. “Mhm.”

Warriors hesitated, narrowing his eyes. “When you haven’t delivered a birthday present on time in about _three years_.”

“Well,” Legend began, realising that his lie did not work at _all_ but deciding to stick with it anyway, “yeah.”

A suffocatingly awkward silence overtook them for a moment that stretched into an eternity.

“...You know I don’t believe a word of that, right?”

Legend winced. “Yeah, I know…”

* * *

A small _bing!_ echoed through the waiting area. The screen on the wall read _058_ —the same as the queue number on Legend’s receipt.

Legend grinned and made his way over to the customer service till, where the staff member was waiting with a smile.

“Number fifty-eight?” he asked. The staff member smiled, handing over the large box. “Thanks.”

The worker effortlessly handed the massive box to him over the counter (and no, Legend did _not_ strain under its weight the moment the staff member let go of it, thank you very much) and waved him off. 

Legend waved back, as best he could while holding a box that was three-quarters of his height (side note: this did not mean that he was _short_ , but rather that the box was _very large_ , and Legend would personally glare at anyone (Warriors) who suggested otherwise) and went on his way home.

(Warriors gave him an extremely strange look as he walked into the house, carrying a massive parcel with a massive taped label saying _missing parts_ on its front. Legend ignored the look—just as he always did.)

* * *

The parts were the wrong colour.

Legend inhaled sharply, clenching his jaw and trying to reconcile with the fact that he had been given _red_ when he had _specifically asked for dark grey_ —

He picked up the phone, and dialled what was quickly becoming a more than familiar number. 

_“Hello, this is IKEA Customer Service, how can I help you?”_

“Hi, so, the missing parts I received today weren’t the correct colour—”

(Despite his anger, Legend did not believe in being rude to customer service. He wasn’t an _asshole_.)

* * *

Legend grinned, stood up, and dusted off his hands.

It was _finished_. The damn shelving unit was _finally finished_ , standing there in all of its dark grey wooden glory, and Legend had never been prouder of anything in his life—especially when he had not paid a single penny for it. And now there it was, a structure of divinity with a single potted plant on its surface—

The door opened behind him.

Legend whirled around, coming face-to-face with Warriors in all his ridiculous scarved glory (even though they were _inside_ ). “Hey, asshole,” he greeted. “I got a new shelf. Like it?”

Warriors stared at him, mouth agape, for a moment—and his facial expression journeyed through _confusion_ , and _denial_ , and _anger_ , and _bargaining_ over the course of the next five seconds, until it finally settled into _acceptance_ as he pieced everything together.

“Legend,” Warriors said, staring between the fully-assembled shelf, online instruction booklet, and lack of any packaging in the area, “did you get a new IKEA shelf by… calling in fake ‘missing parts’ complaints—?!”

Legend nodded. “Yep,” he said, patting the side of the shelf with a satisfied smirk on his face. Warriors began to say something else; but he ignored it. “And a right beauty she is, at that—”

“ _Legend_ ,” Warriors deadpanned. Legend stared at him blankly, and Warriors took a moment to work through the incredulity on his own face before following up on his words. “What the _fuck_.”

Warriors, evidently, did not even have the mental strength to ask it as a question.

Legend said nothing, simply looking proudly upon his new shelf and smiling.

“If you end up in jail, I’m not bailing you out.”

Legend shrugged. “Don’t. It’d be worth it.”

“You’re the worst roommate I’ve ever had.”

“Ditto, my friend,” Legend agreed. “Ditto.”

**Author's Note:**

> rec time? rec time.  
> go read [this WONDERFUL Demon AU](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1742443) by [Iske](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iske/pseuds/Iske)! ahhhh oh my god, this had me in TEARS in its final entry, and the world it's creating is absolutely wonderful. 
> 
> have a wonderful friday, folks! :D  
> edit: i just realised. i forgot to tag this fic as "crack". how did i forget to tag it as "crack" but REMEMBER to tag it as "ikea furniture". HECK.
> 
> ~~i look at the xenoblade fandom. if my addiction to this game continues, _you're next_. :)~~
> 
> [tumblr](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLzxrzFCyOs)!!


End file.
